maluwa.org

A friend of mine called me up and told me that he had a problem opening up because he was an abused child..ofcourse i can’t give out his name but it made an impact on my life Why? because if a brother has the guts enough to say it to me then damb why can’t I just tell the whole world well I am too I am afraid of being vulnerable and putting my heart on a plate for someone to stick a knife and fork into it just because they too were hurt by somebody and they ain’t even going to finish whats on the plate

If somebody tells me I Love you…it translates to I will eventually hurt you ..Forever is beginning to sound more and more like a whisper being blown away by a warm summer breeze and you are standing there wondering why and how long and what ifs …..they become a sweet mantra for change and being still is like waiting for the gatekeeper to your happiness and a life long lover lingers off into the distance as if they were just the slightest scent that came out of the oven and you can’t wait for the real shi those fresh african baked cookies you want the cookies You want more then cries and thighs sighs and I Love yous and see yah soons You want to wake up and look into the eyes of your life long awaited dream you want to dance with them in the moonlight with grass at your feet and stars above high YOu want to see his eyes looking back at you through the eyes of both your seeds

 when the human race has become so diseased to not trust love then we need an angel every once  in a while to say you are not alone

My mouth is dry and my eyes are burning from the bright light  The desert is hot the sand burns the bottom of my feet My clothes are falling off and worn and I see a mirage the mere site of it brings me hope for a better future a better place and i saw it in the eyes of the woman with the yellow dress with all those beautiful children and I saw it in the eyes of people that looked upon her….LOVE MAKES LIFE

I thought how powerful and brave for him to tell me and I thought how weak of me to hold on to it Sometimes I wonder how many  people really need me how many folks would miss me if i was gone…like family like roots What are the most important relationships in my life that I can’t do without and who could not do without me….not my husband not my child for they do not exist at this juncture…maybe some of my friends?

hhmm just thoughts and prayers falling off of my spirit being sung into a slight african lullaby rocking me back to sleep

Yesterday I saw a woman dressed in yellow She smiled at me and then I looked down and all around her she had the most beautiful children They were all so very happy and just moved gracefully with her I was running past her and then later on went to the supermarket and saw her again and that smile Motherhood seemed to make her shine like the sun 

I wondered which brother gave her all those beautiful children all those beautiful diamonds He must of been a king because I could see his love in all of them I looked over and saw this brother looking at them …he just smiled …he saw it as well and he knew  there was alot of love there and… children are the bridge to heaven

Sometimes it takes the death of a person that we love to wake us up a bit to the true meaning of life… It is asked: Are we really embracing the gems that this world has to offer or are we just skimming on the edge of what true beauty can bring? To live in honor?as a human being is what most people hope for – to be acknowledged for who we are. I am not talking about the fake success ribbons that they pin on you at some out of place economic circus…or degrees and jobs and materialistic underpinnings. I am talking deeds, family, and leaving your legacy behind to plant more seeds in the garden of life.

Yesterday my grandmother died. She was the last of my grandparents, and I couldn’t cry at the time because I thought of her incredible strength and the gorgeous children she brought forth in the world…tears fall down my face now.. I couldn’t cry until today…and oh how I cried for she is a part of my blood and my legacy, and I am her seed in the garden. I would only hope that in this world, like her, that I might be able to plant a seed and carry on a legacy of motherhood and teach a grandchild or two. She now is my angel looking down on me to tell me to stay strong. We need not forget that all the precious care and energy she invested in raising her family, loving her husband – her soul mate – and living as a black woman in honor have not been in vain

Grandma I remember the scrabble games; I remember the time I had chicken pox and you were there to sooth my spirit. Grandma, I remember, and I want you to know Grandma the family is you; and like the roots of the African baobob tree, Grandma, you anchor us to place and we stand strong against all adversities while listening to the whispers of ancestors carried on the evening breeze of promises for a brighter, better tomorrow.

Today my tears fall into the earth and I hope to bring forth a flower for Grandma so that I can look at it and remember her beauty in its natural context: not tainted but real, a gift?for me and all of us from the Devine. ?We now have an angel looking over us with a smile, a smile that was Grandma’s alone, saying [Children] stay strong, love, build and move on…

There are some folks placed on this earth to restore the peoples faith in humanity for they do not really function from a place of greed  lust or fear and they are aware of the vices that are pushed into our faces to keep us asleep Our efforts on this journey are  some how no longer meaningless and less ardous in their presence

I met a Buddist monk the other day that came to speak to my students His ways and words struck a core and almost picked me up for I was growing impatient for a moment not for too long but my faith definately needed to be restored at that time and the fire under my mission in life rekindled

I have recently been working on some strong but deep work with a female director friend of mine It has been challenging and emotional for me but the process has been a spiritual awakening and a rude awakening especially to the state of mankind and the way we treat each other .. ignore each other or eat so much bullcrap that we don’t know how to exist as individuals

The other day as my friend and I were working we thought about the word loneliness and how does one present loneliness in a creative way? It all sparked from one sentence in the script…Have you ever cried because you were lonely?

I know I have and I am not afraid to admit it

Still when I see that I am not alone in this search for truth …to help create a  better kinder world … to keep hope in the spirits of our  children and anger out of their hearts then I don’t feel so alone I feel one with all spirits that live like true human beings are supposed to live and that is simply to live by giving back

 when I was a kid  I used to go on this ride and it would go so fast that I would feel sick It was just one of those tiny little merry go rounds next to the dirty little sand box that all the cats and dogs would shit in

It was a day like this beautiful and sunny and not a damb care in the world Only thing I cared about was if I was going to get that peanut butter and jelly sandwich with that cold glass of milk and hopefuly I would not get any booboos by jumping off this thing I was scared as hell but I would bust my ass over and over and over again by just jumping off There was something quite amazing about that escape and the fact that i was brave enough to do it

Now I ain’t no kid anymore but damb why do people come down on you when you want to get off the train that is going waaaay too fast beautiful Days like this I spend alone and boy do i miss being in the country what did I give up to come here and when do I jump off with or without my playmate I wish I could make something new in the sunshine create life in the sunshine and jump off this thang for a day a week a month a lifetime

Now I bust my ass by staying on this ride..waiting for a precious moment a final moment a word or three like I Love you

Anyways yesterday I got some seeds hoping a friend and I could plant flowers and watch them grow